Though maybe doing my Christmas cards would cheer me up a bit.
But I just feel on the verge of tears all the time. I should be happy. I should be exited for Friday. I should be looking forward to Christmas and New year. I should be grateful I am receiving at least some intimacy again.
Why do I then feel this way?
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Never far removed
I feel immeasurably lonely of late. And tonight. And its like my new failing relationship has served to underscore how much I long for human contact. And how little I am able to achieve it. I long to hold someone and those I wish I could never feel the same.
And the other moves further away from me, the miles ticking slowly by on the screen, the time-skew getting greater and more difficult. A temporary taste of a greater permanence down the road. I had imagined myself closer to her even here. Just sharing the same landmass with her brings joy, a sense of home. But over the horizon a great dark chasm of impossible longing and wishing and hoping, and me forever just staring down into it. And her on the other side, far more lost in its depths than even I am, neither of us able to move. Frozen in time. Our lives slowly ticking away.
And the other moves further away from me, the miles ticking slowly by on the screen, the time-skew getting greater and more difficult. A temporary taste of a greater permanence down the road. I had imagined myself closer to her even here. Just sharing the same landmass with her brings joy, a sense of home. But over the horizon a great dark chasm of impossible longing and wishing and hoping, and me forever just staring down into it. And her on the other side, far more lost in its depths than even I am, neither of us able to move. Frozen in time. Our lives slowly ticking away.
Friday, July 08, 2011
Empty life
Google+ has been exiting to discover, and my geek is deeply satisfied with it and all it promises to bring.
But the last few days I have been feeling more lonely than usual and Google+ is also to blame.
Adding all my .. friends.. to another social network brings my lack of social life straight back into perspective. Its hard to keep ignoring how empty my life seems to be most of the time. How few people amung all the ones I know I can really call friend. How the ones I would like to call friend, don't seem to feel the same way.
I feel unable or unwilling to crawl out of my shell. I am shy and unsocial, and trying to force myself out of the door feels wrong. I feel I am stuck in a feedback loop where all I know are the same people who I only have half a connection with, even though with many of them I want more. To be shunned and ignored, but not acknowledged as such by the two people I care most deeply about continues to hurt so much, but I feel unable to break my bond with them. Because if I did, then I truly would have no one to really care about anymore. Its bad enough knowing they don't care about me in the same way. Even the people who I consider quite close friends don't bother reaching out to me anymore. And watching their lives and activities and interactions with each other, without me being a part of it hurts me too, but I know I have mostly myself to blame. I am so bad at reaching out, I am socially lazy but apparently the hurt and loneliness doesn't motivate me either to do more. What can I possibly do? I feel the best years of my life are slipping by me, and I have no one to share them with, and no one besides my family who seem to care. I hate myself for being like this.
But the last few days I have been feeling more lonely than usual and Google+ is also to blame.
Adding all my .. friends.. to another social network brings my lack of social life straight back into perspective. Its hard to keep ignoring how empty my life seems to be most of the time. How few people amung all the ones I know I can really call friend. How the ones I would like to call friend, don't seem to feel the same way.
I feel unable or unwilling to crawl out of my shell. I am shy and unsocial, and trying to force myself out of the door feels wrong. I feel I am stuck in a feedback loop where all I know are the same people who I only have half a connection with, even though with many of them I want more. To be shunned and ignored, but not acknowledged as such by the two people I care most deeply about continues to hurt so much, but I feel unable to break my bond with them. Because if I did, then I truly would have no one to really care about anymore. Its bad enough knowing they don't care about me in the same way. Even the people who I consider quite close friends don't bother reaching out to me anymore. And watching their lives and activities and interactions with each other, without me being a part of it hurts me too, but I know I have mostly myself to blame. I am so bad at reaching out, I am socially lazy but apparently the hurt and loneliness doesn't motivate me either to do more. What can I possibly do? I feel the best years of my life are slipping by me, and I have no one to share them with, and no one besides my family who seem to care. I hate myself for being like this.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Nightmarish
Had an horrific nightmare last night. And I only say "horrific" because of the fact that it got my out of bed in a blind panic. That has only happened one time before as I can recall, when I was only a child of around 10 or so.
I don't remember much, but I recall it ended with a massive spider crawling over my pillows toward me, prompting me to flee the bed. I only woke up after finding myself on the other side of the room, desperately trying to get the light on. I went back to bed shortly after, but with a severe distrust of the bed and my pillows.
I believe the spider was inspired by the last few chapters of "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep", which I had just finished several hours before.
I don't often have nightmares, in fact I cant recall when I last had one. But the effect this had on me really disturbs me. Just the utter panic I felt.
I don't remember much, but I recall it ended with a massive spider crawling over my pillows toward me, prompting me to flee the bed. I only woke up after finding myself on the other side of the room, desperately trying to get the light on. I went back to bed shortly after, but with a severe distrust of the bed and my pillows.
I believe the spider was inspired by the last few chapters of "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep", which I had just finished several hours before.
I don't often have nightmares, in fact I cant recall when I last had one. But the effect this had on me really disturbs me. Just the utter panic I felt.
Monday, April 05, 2010
Reflections on Lethargy, boredom, obsession, loneliness and love
The last 2 months or so have been pretty bad. After loosing interest in Arma2, I have yet to latch onto anything specific to employ most of my free time. To fill in the gap, I have been F5-ing everything else I do online, driving myself to the point of desperation. The house move also served as a very stark reminded of how empty and unfulfilling my life has been so far and continues to be. Using the very few friends online I have as sounding boards for my frustrations and my unreasonable expectations, I have succeeded in getting the very people I value most of all, fed up with me for now. The resulting solitude I feel has been almost too much to bear, and combined with the sheer boredom, I haven’t felt this bad in a long time.
Work isn’t helping of course. I am in one of my famous interest “dips” where i really can’t be arsed to do anything. The last year I have worked just flat out, not even having time to think . Now that its actually quiet at work, I feel I have no energy at all. I just procrastinate all day long.
Moving into the new house has been a pretty easy, albeit expensive ride. I have my 2 rooms set up more or less how I want them. I have found some pleasure in buying things I wanted to get for a while, but its nothing I really need, its all just luxury. I got the Logitech G940 flight control system, with the intention to loose myself in some hardcore flight simes like DSC black shark, and perhaps MS flight simulator again. But so far I cant be arsed. Just crazy, and I feel so guilty about it too. Spending all this money on shit I don’t even want to use right now. I have my ultimate reading corner set up. I always wanted one of these, but I really cant claim I have ever been a big reader. But you see I like the idea of being a big reader. Of reading the classics, of being literarily versed. Thats why I got all those Tolkien books I have yet to read, its more about the romantic idea of them, than actually reading them. I wantto read them, and so many other things. At least on some level I do. God, all these opportunities to loose myself in all these things. I can be so obsessive, I know I can really loose myself in these things, and I have now given myself all the opportunities to do so. Then why is that I can’t seem to commit to anything right now. I seem unwilling to even take the first step in any particular direction.
I don’t know if its the depression causing my lethargy, or my lethargy causing the depression. I guess its both. How to get out of the cycle? I know I will, I just wish I could motivate myself to do it a little faster. But then motivation and willpower have always been my biggest failing. Also, I know that in many ways, I am afraid of my own obsession. I am terrified of falling in love with Battletech again, for example. Now where was a world you could loose yourself in, in the same way I could with MS Flightsim, with Tolkien. There is a timesync aspect there that is simultaneously extremely satisfying, and dangerously destructive as well, usually financially. I feel guilty about them because when I come down again from the high, afterwards all that time spent, all that money spent, seems pointless in many ways. I felt that way about Battletech, about Star Trek. I loved those worlds so much, but my love is obsessive, and the lack of balance in my life when I am into these things really leaves a sour taste with me.
Anyway, all that is just for activities , how about my social life? The only people I interact with regularly, besides my dad and my colleagues of course, are some people in the BP chat, and of course A, which my lopsided idea of a friendship with, has been causing much pain for me, and much puzzlement for her, I am sure. I have, as usual, been neglecting the friendships I have in the real world. This is effected by the same disinterest and lethargy that plagues the other areas of my life. All I need to do is to occasionally hang with these people, and god knows I like their company. But somehow, again, that first step seems to be just too much effort for me. That is what I love about the BP crew, I realize now. These people put out so much of their stuff out there, in social network systems that allow me to interact with them so easily it requires no effort on part to engage with them. The question I have asked myself most of my adult life on this point is this: Do I apparently not value these friendships enough to be motivated to do something with them? If I value reclusiveness so much, then why does the loneliness hurt so much? Or to put it in another way: Isn't the pain of loneliness and disconnection enough to get me off my ass? And if not, then what will it take? And this question applies to all the aspects of my life. What exactly will it take to motivate me? I have it far to easy. Sometimes I think I need to get into a terrible accident to get me to appreciate life more, to actually do something with it.
The lack of a coherent social group in RL really kills me the most. I like a lot of the BP peeps, and when the right people are together in the chat, on Twitter, on Buzz, it can be really fulfilling. But these people are all 8000 miles away in the US. there is not possibility to actually go and do anything with them other than comment on each others videos and Tweets. I want to be able to do that, and hang with them IRL. But this is not possible. The only valid alternative is become a part of such a group here locally. But I hardly know anyone IRL. I have no context at all to deal with groups of people IRL. I have been playing around with the thought of maybe joining a theatre group again. I very much enjoyed my time in the ones I was in, at least to a point. The problem was I, again, expected to much of people, and became increasingly frustrated with the amateurism of a lot of them. Like I said, I become obsessive and threat everything far to seriously. I am afraid I will end up feeling the same way again. I know what I want with people. I know I want a small group of mutually close friends that I can share all aspects of my life with, not just compartmentalized or highly context-sensitive.
I know i want to fall in love again too. My year with Lia was so wonderful, despite the pain of being apart all the time. The pain of her falling out of love with me took a while to get over. But I was very much already half through the mourning by the time sherealized it was over. But what a wonderful thing to be in love. Its the very opposite of how I feel right now. You feel like you have a purpose, a reason to get up in the morning, and always something wonderful to look forward to. Us counting down the days until our next weekend together was some of the most intense emotional times I ever experienced, in both good and bad ways. I would gladly have it all again, even including the moments of terrible heartbreak, because together, that state is far far superior to this. My continued crush on A and H has got to stop at some point. There is no point to it, and its ever so tiring obsessing over them all the time. Tiring for me, and annoying to them. Its only ever going to stop if I find someone in my life to replace those needs. And sitting at home is not getting me any closer to a solution. But what is going to make me get up and go do something about it?
Work isn’t helping of course. I am in one of my famous interest “dips” where i really can’t be arsed to do anything. The last year I have worked just flat out, not even having time to think . Now that its actually quiet at work, I feel I have no energy at all. I just procrastinate all day long.
Moving into the new house has been a pretty easy, albeit expensive ride. I have my 2 rooms set up more or less how I want them. I have found some pleasure in buying things I wanted to get for a while, but its nothing I really need, its all just luxury. I got the Logitech G940 flight control system, with the intention to loose myself in some hardcore flight simes like DSC black shark, and perhaps MS flight simulator again. But so far I cant be arsed. Just crazy, and I feel so guilty about it too. Spending all this money on shit I don’t even want to use right now. I have my ultimate reading corner set up. I always wanted one of these, but I really cant claim I have ever been a big reader. But you see I like the idea of being a big reader. Of reading the classics, of being literarily versed. Thats why I got all those Tolkien books I have yet to read, its more about the romantic idea of them, than actually reading them. I wantto read them, and so many other things. At least on some level I do. God, all these opportunities to loose myself in all these things. I can be so obsessive, I know I can really loose myself in these things, and I have now given myself all the opportunities to do so. Then why is that I can’t seem to commit to anything right now. I seem unwilling to even take the first step in any particular direction.
I don’t know if its the depression causing my lethargy, or my lethargy causing the depression. I guess its both. How to get out of the cycle? I know I will, I just wish I could motivate myself to do it a little faster. But then motivation and willpower have always been my biggest failing. Also, I know that in many ways, I am afraid of my own obsession. I am terrified of falling in love with Battletech again, for example. Now where was a world you could loose yourself in, in the same way I could with MS Flightsim, with Tolkien. There is a timesync aspect there that is simultaneously extremely satisfying, and dangerously destructive as well, usually financially. I feel guilty about them because when I come down again from the high, afterwards all that time spent, all that money spent, seems pointless in many ways. I felt that way about Battletech, about Star Trek. I loved those worlds so much, but my love is obsessive, and the lack of balance in my life when I am into these things really leaves a sour taste with me.
Anyway, all that is just for activities , how about my social life? The only people I interact with regularly, besides my dad and my colleagues of course, are some people in the BP chat, and of course A, which my lopsided idea of a friendship with, has been causing much pain for me, and much puzzlement for her, I am sure. I have, as usual, been neglecting the friendships I have in the real world. This is effected by the same disinterest and lethargy that plagues the other areas of my life. All I need to do is to occasionally hang with these people, and god knows I like their company. But somehow, again, that first step seems to be just too much effort for me. That is what I love about the BP crew, I realize now. These people put out so much of their stuff out there, in social network systems that allow me to interact with them so easily it requires no effort on part to engage with them. The question I have asked myself most of my adult life on this point is this: Do I apparently not value these friendships enough to be motivated to do something with them? If I value reclusiveness so much, then why does the loneliness hurt so much? Or to put it in another way: Isn't the pain of loneliness and disconnection enough to get me off my ass? And if not, then what will it take? And this question applies to all the aspects of my life. What exactly will it take to motivate me? I have it far to easy. Sometimes I think I need to get into a terrible accident to get me to appreciate life more, to actually do something with it.
The lack of a coherent social group in RL really kills me the most. I like a lot of the BP peeps, and when the right people are together in the chat, on Twitter, on Buzz, it can be really fulfilling. But these people are all 8000 miles away in the US. there is not possibility to actually go and do anything with them other than comment on each others videos and Tweets. I want to be able to do that, and hang with them IRL. But this is not possible. The only valid alternative is become a part of such a group here locally. But I hardly know anyone IRL. I have no context at all to deal with groups of people IRL. I have been playing around with the thought of maybe joining a theatre group again. I very much enjoyed my time in the ones I was in, at least to a point. The problem was I, again, expected to much of people, and became increasingly frustrated with the amateurism of a lot of them. Like I said, I become obsessive and threat everything far to seriously. I am afraid I will end up feeling the same way again. I know what I want with people. I know I want a small group of mutually close friends that I can share all aspects of my life with, not just compartmentalized or highly context-sensitive.
I know i want to fall in love again too. My year with Lia was so wonderful, despite the pain of being apart all the time. The pain of her falling out of love with me took a while to get over. But I was very much already half through the mourning by the time sherealized it was over. But what a wonderful thing to be in love. Its the very opposite of how I feel right now. You feel like you have a purpose, a reason to get up in the morning, and always something wonderful to look forward to. Us counting down the days until our next weekend together was some of the most intense emotional times I ever experienced, in both good and bad ways. I would gladly have it all again, even including the moments of terrible heartbreak, because together, that state is far far superior to this. My continued crush on A and H has got to stop at some point. There is no point to it, and its ever so tiring obsessing over them all the time. Tiring for me, and annoying to them. Its only ever going to stop if I find someone in my life to replace those needs. And sitting at home is not getting me any closer to a solution. But what is going to make me get up and go do something about it?
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