Though maybe doing my Christmas cards would cheer me up a bit.
But I just feel on the verge of tears all the time. I should be happy. I should be exited for Friday. I should be looking forward to Christmas and New year. I should be grateful I am receiving at least some intimacy again.
Why do I then feel this way?
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Never far removed
I feel immeasurably lonely of late. And tonight. And its like my new failing relationship has served to underscore how much I long for human contact. And how little I am able to achieve it. I long to hold someone and those I wish I could never feel the same.
And the other moves further away from me, the miles ticking slowly by on the screen, the time-skew getting greater and more difficult. A temporary taste of a greater permanence down the road. I had imagined myself closer to her even here. Just sharing the same landmass with her brings joy, a sense of home. But over the horizon a great dark chasm of impossible longing and wishing and hoping, and me forever just staring down into it. And her on the other side, far more lost in its depths than even I am, neither of us able to move. Frozen in time. Our lives slowly ticking away.
And the other moves further away from me, the miles ticking slowly by on the screen, the time-skew getting greater and more difficult. A temporary taste of a greater permanence down the road. I had imagined myself closer to her even here. Just sharing the same landmass with her brings joy, a sense of home. But over the horizon a great dark chasm of impossible longing and wishing and hoping, and me forever just staring down into it. And her on the other side, far more lost in its depths than even I am, neither of us able to move. Frozen in time. Our lives slowly ticking away.
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